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xailina
Some days I just feel like Alice.... 
7th-Aug-2007 06:35 pm
....beginning as a small meek child, who accidentally takes a bit and starts to grow, the walls closing in, nothing fits,  the ceiling seems to come crashing down upon your head, contorting your body to fit as comfortable as you can, breathing hard to do..

Yea, I do feel like Alice some days. I know I shouldn't, but I do. There are just some days I wish that some large, white rabbit will come hopping along and I will follow it, even if it leads me someplace unknown. Because what Alice did not see was that there were plenty of people around here who helped her, but she just kept dismissing it. Ah, I don't know who the hell am I kidding?

Life is sucking, the ONE person I want to see, I can't see for another three weeks...and I haven't seen him for a week..so it will be about a month once I talked to him, since the last time I talked to him...he's just so busy with life...I know it's hard for him..he's doing all he can..but it hurts that I can't talk to him..I stay up late, wake up early..and nothing. I barely get an answer and when I do..it's from his brothers..I DON'T want to talk to them I want to talk to YOU! But no..when I do get to talk..I'm so filled with anger and hurt that I don't want to talk..I want to break down in someone's arms and cry! Why the hell isn't there anyone around!!!

Do people hate me that much? Am I that unpleasant that people only come around and talk when they want something?! Why the hell do I feel like I did in elementary school when I was only talked to because people needed answers or wanted to date my brother? I have gone back to being the nerdy, chubby girl with glasses that no one likes...that people who claim to be my friends just talk about me behind my back? Why have I reverted back to being shy and withdrawn? I try to push myself out there and meet new people..but I say one thing and I get weird looks..I try to be myself and I get backs turned to me...it's happened so much..

Now I thought I found someone who would turn to me when I showed who I really was..only to have him start turning away, repeating things he thinks I want to hear..Just because you say you love me, doesn't mean anything. The old saying is true..actions are louder than words..Why must I be the one to take charge and say hello first, whether email or IM? Why must I be the one making the plans...just for you to OK them, then break them....

I want to tell you how I feel, but I can't. You always get defensive
and come back with "I love you" and "You should know that's not true," "I'd do anything for you"....they're words! What the hell impact do these words have when repeated over and over again!?!?! I know i myself and sounding repetitive..I know no other way to phrase how I feel..I don't know!!

how am I supposed to express how I feel when, since being with you, I have just experienced these feelings...Yes, before I have experienced jealousy, hatred, depression, sadness, sorrow, hurt, .....jealous of those who had friend who backed them up and stuck by them...hatred toward those who were always picking on me....depressed cuz there was nothing I could do about it  but bottle it up...sadness for experiencing things little kids shouldn't have to go through....sorrow for losing so many damn people.....hurt because I couldn't do what the hell other kids were doing.....

Yes you can say it all stems from childhood..most problems do! I don't know what the hell to think, I want to cry and have you just hold me tight, not saying anything but letting your touch to the talking for you...to have you hold me finally and lay there beside me! But I can't have it can I? We're too far..I hate these long distance relationships! I don't want to do it anymore ..I want to be with you..but I know I can't...apart or afar..we can't live with or without one another! What the hell kind of relationship is this?!

Some days...I wish I was like Alice...alone in Wonderland..but unlike her. I wouldn't want to find a way home....
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