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xailina
Just one of those days 
7th-Aug-2007 02:47 am
Ever just have one of those days that start off well but as night creeps closer, you realize that you have so much to do.  And when you get a few moments to talk to the person you have been wanting to talk to for days, they kinda are busy so don't have time to talk? Well this is one of the days. I want to sleep but I can't...my mind just won't shut off. Every time I close my eyes, images pop into my head and small videos of what looks like the future are playing but it's too perfect to be true..so I lie there for an hour trying to sleep..nothing is moving..no noise except from the blowing of the fans, which is so low I can barely hear the noise. Then I get up and come to do some work..and there..in bold letters on yahoo messenger is THAT person...The person I have been trying to talk to for days..who the last thing i heard from them was that they had 105 degree fever...and was finally getting over it...the person who I have not heard the words "i love you" from in a long time....right when I'm about to sign off and cry my eyes out to my heart's content because I have come to the realization that I have just fucked up my life in more ways then one...there he goes..and says "I love you"....

What do i say? "Yea..ditto." WHAT THE FUCK??! I tell him to go to bed considering he has work and shit to do in a few hours. So here I am finally balling my eyes out and trying to get him away from talking to be because I am saying the most stupidest things and making everything worse!! Oh why does it have to be like this? Why did I chose someone so perfect for me..yet so wrong at the same time?! Why the hell did he have to fuck up and leave?! It's because of me..I know it's true...he said so himself..I was part of the cause he left.....Can't blame him. I know I am difficult..I can't help it, it's so hard to just say how I'm feeling ...because I really don't know how I should be feeling..anger yes..but why? sorrow and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me anywhere..people want to see me happy when i'm depressed...a hard feat to accomplish that leaves me so drained that it hurts to cry and even if I could get through the pain..no where to go to be alone..

Because there is my problem..I am , what seems to be, always alone..rarely are people around me willing to talk..I mean come on, who in their right mind would want to talk to me?  Great and now it's thundering..so not only am I alone ready to tear up at any moment..but there is no one here to comfort me as the lighting strikes across the sky, booming as if wanting to catch people's attention...I wonder what it would be like..to get hit by lightening...wonder how strong it would have to be to kill someone...wonder if it's painful killing or a quick one.....
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