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xailina
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14th-Nov-2007 01:17 pm - Why?
so apparently I made someone cry last night, (for my purpose they shall be called Jorina).... All i asked was my a shirt back that she took over summer, and brought back ruined! I, apparently, am soon going to be on the same level as an old roommate as hers. I found this an accomplishment! I mean, her old roommate is a nice person, and it seems patterns repeat. Well considering that everyone knows her side, I figure I need to get my side out....so here is the list of things I found wrong with her that have bugged me.

* She has too many pairs of a certain object that she does not need, and refuses to get rid of them
* She is a control freak, even though she refuses to admit it
* She got mad when I changed the room around, even though I told her last year, before we agreed to room
     together, that I would change the room around because that is a tic of mine.
* She takes up more than 70% of the room
* Everything has to be her way, or just forget everything
* Everything has to be on her time, doesn't matter what else someone has to do, she expects them to drop it and go with her
* She thinks everyone else is made of money and can go out whenever they feel like it
* we agreed that we'd alternate who would buy groceries, she has yet to buy real food. Her idea of food for a month was two lunchables per person and some cheese and bread
*She promised not to bring any alcohol into the room, I come to find out that she had it there t he first few weeks of school, then finally gave it over to someone else
*She thinks that something is always wrong with her, and that she's going to die any minute
*You say something about being sick, and of course, she calls her mom to make sure it's not contagious and says that you need to go see a doctor...
*I told Jorina news about something I didn't want people to know unless it was true, and she went and told her mom and friends....something a real friend wouldn't do...
*She claims that there is only one thing bothering her, however, everybody else is coming to me and telling me all these problems she has with me...seems like this girl needs to keep her stories straight
*That's another thing! She tells everybody different things! She will tell a person something that happened to her and tell another something different

Well I'm in class, so I will finish this later...it only gets worse!!
3rd-Oct-2007 01:25 pm - life
Hmm. what to write...Things have been weird lately. There are so many things that have been happening and I have been so stressed out lately. I need to really get on things and push myself to do good. I haven't been doing good in my biology class. I keep procrastinating studying for it because I have so much other things to do and the fact that I don't need this class is messing with me. I should have stood up for myself and told the roomie that I would NOT be taking bio, because I didn't need it. This is supposed to be an easy class, but when you don't care for science, it's not. Also, my neuroscience counts as a second science, so i really don't need to take this bio class. -_- Grrr why am I so damn week?

On good news, my wolfie and I may be tying the not sooner than we thought. We're aiming for the end of the month. I really do wanna marry him soon. That would part of my stress. I dunno...i need a lot of time to think about things. I started a notebook and just right in it when I can. It's more of a way for me to express myself to my dear wolfie.

Well time to pay attention in class...
19th-Sep-2007 01:36 pm - -_-
So, it's been a while since I was last one. Seems like a long time, even though it hasn't been more than 3 weeks. So much has happened that I'm not sure where to start. I don't even remember where I left off. So many family members have been to the hospital within a few weeks. My sister finally has come out the hospital, my two nieces went into the hospital, the older one is out...not sure about the baby. My dad went to the hospital, and is finally out. He had kidney stones, or something like that.

Life is just a pain right now. Though I am surprisingly dealing with it all well. The school had some problems with my financial aide file. They didn't have signatures on papers from both parents; so I had to go up and explain that my mom was deceased, and that my dad's signature should have been on those papers! So I just ended up making extra copies of papers and having my dad sign them, then I just turned them in. I also had to get a loan -__-...hopefully everything turns out all right.

I am just in need of a short vacation -_-...I'll update later. I'm in class right now.
23rd-Aug-2007 12:21 am - life until today
Life has been suprisingly good. I got to see the person I've been wanting to see and so many things were cleared up! I can't wait to see him again! Well I'm tired I'll write when I can ^_^
13th-Aug-2007 01:46 pm - Life..again
So these last few days have been full of up and downs. I got to see the person I've been wanting to see, so that made me feel a little bit better but I got bad news. My sister is in the hospital again. My dad says he doesn't know how long she'll be kept there. The doctors and nurses are giving her daily injections. If she had only taken care of her damn self, she wouldn't have this problem.... I'm at work. I'll write later -_-
7th-Aug-2007 06:35 pm - Some days I just feel like Alice....
....beginning as a small meek child, who accidentally takes a bit and starts to grow, the walls closing in, nothing fits,  the ceiling seems to come crashing down upon your head, contorting your body to fit as comfortable as you can, breathing hard to do..

Yea, I do feel like Alice some days. I know I shouldn't, but I do. There are just some days I wish that some large, white rabbit will come hopping along and I will follow it, even if it leads me someplace unknown. Because what Alice did not see was that there were plenty of people around here who helped her, but she just kept dismissing it. Ah, I don't know who the hell am I kidding?

Life is sucking, the ONE person I want to see, I can't see for another three weeks...and I haven't seen him for a week..so it will be about a month once I talked to him, since the last time I talked to him...he's just so busy with life...I know it's hard for him..he's doing all he can..but it hurts that I can't talk to him..I stay up late, wake up early..and nothing. I barely get an answer and when I do..it's from his brothers..I DON'T want to talk to them I want to talk to YOU! But no..when I do get to talk..I'm so filled with anger and hurt that I don't want to talk..I want to break down in someone's arms and cry! Why the hell isn't there anyone around!!!

Do people hate me that much? Am I that unpleasant that people only come around and talk when they want something?! Why the hell do I feel like I did in elementary school when I was only talked to because people needed answers or wanted to date my brother? I have gone back to being the nerdy, chubby girl with glasses that no one likes...that people who claim to be my friends just talk about me behind my back? Why have I reverted back to being shy and withdrawn? I try to push myself out there and meet new people..but I say one thing and I get weird looks..I try to be myself and I get backs turned to me...it's happened so much..

Now I thought I found someone who would turn to me when I showed who I really was..only to have him start turning away, repeating things he thinks I want to hear..Just because you say you love me, doesn't mean anything. The old saying is true..actions are louder than words..Why must I be the one to take charge and say hello first, whether email or IM? Why must I be the one making the plans...just for you to OK them, then break them....

I want to tell you how I feel, but I can't. You always get defensive
and come back with "I love you" and "You should know that's not true," "I'd do anything for you"....they're words! What the hell impact do these words have when repeated over and over again!?!?! I know i myself and sounding repetitive..I know no other way to phrase how I feel..I don't know!!

how am I supposed to express how I feel when, since being with you, I have just experienced these feelings...Yes, before I have experienced jealousy, hatred, depression, sadness, sorrow, hurt, .....jealous of those who had friend who backed them up and stuck by them...hatred toward those who were always picking on me....depressed cuz there was nothing I could do about it  but bottle it up...sadness for experiencing things little kids shouldn't have to go through....sorrow for losing so many damn people.....hurt because I couldn't do what the hell other kids were doing.....

Yes you can say it all stems from childhood..most problems do! I don't know what the hell to think, I want to cry and have you just hold me tight, not saying anything but letting your touch to the talking for you...to have you hold me finally and lay there beside me! But I can't have it can I? We're too far..I hate these long distance relationships! I don't want to do it anymore ..I want to be with you..but I know I can't...apart or afar..we can't live with or without one another! What the hell kind of relationship is this?!

Some days...I wish I was like Alice...alone in Wonderland..but unlike her. I wouldn't want to find a way home....
7th-Aug-2007 02:47 am - Just one of those days
Ever just have one of those days that start off well but as night creeps closer, you realize that you have so much to do.  And when you get a few moments to talk to the person you have been wanting to talk to for days, they kinda are busy so don't have time to talk? Well this is one of the days. I want to sleep but I can't...my mind just won't shut off. Every time I close my eyes, images pop into my head and small videos of what looks like the future are playing but it's too perfect to be true..so I lie there for an hour trying to sleep..nothing is moving..no noise except from the blowing of the fans, which is so low I can barely hear the noise. Then I get up and come to do some work..and there..in bold letters on yahoo messenger is THAT person...The person I have been trying to talk to for days..who the last thing i heard from them was that they had 105 degree fever...and was finally getting over it...the person who I have not heard the words "i love you" from in a long time....right when I'm about to sign off and cry my eyes out to my heart's content because I have come to the realization that I have just fucked up my life in more ways then one...there he goes..and says "I love you"....

What do i say? "Yea..ditto." WHAT THE FUCK??! I tell him to go to bed considering he has work and shit to do in a few hours. So here I am finally balling my eyes out and trying to get him away from talking to be because I am saying the most stupidest things and making everything worse!! Oh why does it have to be like this? Why did I chose someone so perfect for me..yet so wrong at the same time?! Why the hell did he have to fuck up and leave?! It's because of me..I know it's true...he said so himself..I was part of the cause he left.....Can't blame him. I know I am difficult..I can't help it, it's so hard to just say how I'm feeling ...because I really don't know how I should be feeling..anger yes..but why? sorrow and feeling sorry for myself is not going to get me anywhere..people want to see me happy when i'm depressed...a hard feat to accomplish that leaves me so drained that it hurts to cry and even if I could get through the pain..no where to go to be alone..

Because there is my problem..I am , what seems to be, always alone..rarely are people around me willing to talk..I mean come on, who in their right mind would want to talk to me?  Great and now it's thundering..so not only am I alone ready to tear up at any moment..but there is no one here to comfort me as the lighting strikes across the sky, booming as if wanting to catch people's attention...I wonder what it would be like..to get hit by lightening...wonder how strong it would have to be to kill someone...wonder if it's painful killing or a quick one.....
5th-Aug-2007 05:33 pm - A Day at work
Ok so I'm at work and got a half hour to go. I've finished most of my project due this week and it's looking good. Just have to get everything together and make it all neat, colorful and pretty. I'm also been working on my monologue. Too bad these people outside the library are being LOUD!!! Why would you hold an event in front of a library..and for a dry campus I see beer in a lot of the people's hands. I know they're old enough but sheesh! Have some courtesy. Mmmm the smell of their food is wafting over here. They are really loud an annoying >.> Well I'll wrote later tonight when I have time..


~Xai
4th-Aug-2007 04:51 pm - an unnamed poem
As the sun sets down and the creatures come out,
You pull me close and hide me beneath your wings.
Saying that you would love me forever and not let anyone harm me.
The sun is about to set, you pull in me for a kiss
I melt into your arms, my body is a perfect fit against yours.
You move away from me, holding you lips like they're in pain..

My heart begins to beat faster, your wings turn darker.
What is wrong?
No answer...
Are you ok?
You let out a horrible screech!
I grab my ears, falling to the floor
Crying...

Crying tears upon tears
Making puddles beneath me
You grab me up and scream!
Your angel wings are no more!
What have you become?!
You raise your voice
Nothing is wrong!!

I see the struggle in your eyes
The angel and the demon fighting for their side
You yell and throw things about
trying to get away from you,
Hurting myself in the process.

I have never been this afraid!!
What did i do to set you off?!
No answer from you
You fall to the floor
My heart still beating, drumming loudly into my ears
You grab your face and claw, trying to rip off the mask.
Your wings are almost back!

I stay away, not sure what you will do.
Puddles are forming and the room is turning into a pool

Drowning!
Trying to get through
Both crying so many tears
I go under
Not knowing how to swim my way to the top
To the paradise island that will await me!!

I scream and I yell
They only come out garbled
All the water is flowing into my lungs
Choking me as I grasp for air!
More water fills the room,
It's harder than ever to reach the top

I see you kicking your way to the top
How come you get to go to the island and I am left to drown?
I try to call for you
Scream for you
Only air bubbles
I flail, imitating you
Hoping that the unsettling water will grab your attention.

You finally take notice,
A bit too late.
I cannot hold my breath any longer
I have finally run out of air
You look at me and the surface,
Deciding which to choose
You swim toward me, holding out your hand
I try to grab it,
Try to make my way toward the surface!

The sun had finally set
The creatures are about
You let go of my hand,
Trying to get to the surface as fast as you can
Don't leave me!!
I try to scream...

Slithery slimey
Here come the things
I try to swim,
I fall back into the darkness
The creatures claw all around me,
Taking me back to the depths and you make you asend to your Heaven. 
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